October 2008 I arrived to our new province 5 months after my hubby did, after finishing the house renos and finding tenants to rent our home.
Late November, my period didn't really show up - I had a few days of spotting but my cheap internet pregnancy tests said BFN, so I didn't think too much of it. A week later, I thought maybe we should get this looked into. I had a blood test and got the results - BFP! So exciting! On our own, BFP! Yahoo!
Ok, so now what...given my history I was concerned so my GP called the Recurrent Loss Clinic who told her that we should just treat this like a "normal" pregnancy. So, we did. I had an ultrasound in week 7 but the tech couldn't find the baby through the abdominal wall. This US tech was male, and I guess they don't do the internal scans, as I had to move rooms and wait for a female US tech. She found the baby, and we got to see the heartbeat. The concern was that the baby was measuring very small for the timelines, about 1.5 weeks behind. But the HB was strong, so I was scheduled for another US in a month.
December 23 I started spotting. Bright red. I called my doctors' office in a tizzy and the acting doc on call told me that it did not necessarily mean bad things but we'd just have to wait to see what happened. I hate wait and see.
December 24: Merry Fu##$&*#(ing Christmas. Spotting becomes heavier.
December 25: Full on bleeding. It's over
December 26: Bleeding is very heavy, go to Emerg to make sure they can capture the "products of conception" for analysis. ERP says he's suprised I'm not in more pain as I have products in the oss, which is typically uncomfortable. They send away the tissue and ask if I want to see the OBGYN on call. I decline which later I will regret.
NOW the recurrent loss clinic will see me. I make our first appointment to meet with the RE there. Turns out the ERP only sent the tissue off to the regular lab, not the specialized lab that would have identified any chromosonal issues with the embryo. So all we have is yes, it was a miscarriage. ARGH.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
August 2007: accupuncture and nasty arse herb teas
So August 2007 was my first meeting with Linda, our acupuncturist. I was encouraged by her absolute faith that we could fix my FSH problem. She didn't seem at all phased by that nasty number, 21. No problem. Also reassuring was the wall filled with baby photos and notes/cards thanking Linda for all her help producing such wonderful wee ones. Maybe there is something to this acupuncture thing?
After our initital discussion, Linda told me I should be coming to her weekly, 2x if possible. Also, I needed to stop ALL caffeine (somehow green tea was still ok) and alcohol and dairy, especially milk. I was to eat lots of leafy green veggies, and sunflower seeds. And drink her herb tea, twice daily, 5 days a week. ($60/week). And, I was to drink wheatgrass juice daily. Ok, where on earth do you get wheatgrass juice? It's not at Safeway! I looked! Eventually found a farm that you can order it frozen in cubes and they deliver to your door - phew!
So, I boiled the tea daily that made our house smell like a wet forest, and choked it down. I stopped ALL booze, coffee and drank my wheatgrass juice. For a year. I did fall off the wagon 2x. Once, at Christmas when we showed up for dinner at my BIL/SILs house after she insisted on making it (I had wanted to host) and we arrived to find lasange and fish (hello, where is the turkey??) and oh, they'd already eaten, so it was just DH and I at the table. That deserved wine. The other time was when we were in Quebec City for our anniversary in April 09. We cracked a bottle of champagne and I had a cider at lunch.
I found acupuncture relaxing and my FSH did go down, to 5 and 6 on various blood draws. Was this 100% due to accupuncture? I don't know - my RE in September 07 put me on DHEA which is a steroid that will also impact FSH levels. So, difficult to isolate what drove the reduction. Bottom line, I stopped going to acupuncture in September 2008 when we moved to a different province, without a baby.
After our initital discussion, Linda told me I should be coming to her weekly, 2x if possible. Also, I needed to stop ALL caffeine (somehow green tea was still ok) and alcohol and dairy, especially milk. I was to eat lots of leafy green veggies, and sunflower seeds. And drink her herb tea, twice daily, 5 days a week. ($60/week). And, I was to drink wheatgrass juice daily. Ok, where on earth do you get wheatgrass juice? It's not at Safeway! I looked! Eventually found a farm that you can order it frozen in cubes and they deliver to your door - phew!
So, I boiled the tea daily that made our house smell like a wet forest, and choked it down. I stopped ALL booze, coffee and drank my wheatgrass juice. For a year. I did fall off the wagon 2x. Once, at Christmas when we showed up for dinner at my BIL/SILs house after she insisted on making it (I had wanted to host) and we arrived to find lasange and fish (hello, where is the turkey??) and oh, they'd already eaten, so it was just DH and I at the table. That deserved wine. The other time was when we were in Quebec City for our anniversary in April 09. We cracked a bottle of champagne and I had a cider at lunch.
I found acupuncture relaxing and my FSH did go down, to 5 and 6 on various blood draws. Was this 100% due to accupuncture? I don't know - my RE in September 07 put me on DHEA which is a steroid that will also impact FSH levels. So, difficult to isolate what drove the reduction. Bottom line, I stopped going to acupuncture in September 2008 when we moved to a different province, without a baby.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
July 2010: Failed Donor IVF
Turns out that 25K later, our donor had a lousy cycle, almost like the ones I can have for far less money! Yes, it's a known risk...we're talking about humans and much to my constant frustration, we just can't control how humans will respond to these situations. If we could, I'd have 3 children running around! And we had made the decision to go with a new donor - we really liked her write up, motivation, personality... and hey, how many screened 28 year olds have crappy cycles?? haha, live and learn!
Our donor did not respond particularly well. We ended up with 8 retrieved, but only 4 mature. However, all 4 matured so that was positive news.
We had a call from the nurse on Saturday, telling us that our transfer was scheduled for Monday July 26 at 2pm. I asked her how our embies were doing, and she told me that she had no idea, that "wasn't her job". What? Seriously? You can't tell me how my 4 embies are doing, in a lab down the hall from where you are? Nope, that is the embryologist's job, and turns out, they don't communicate. But, no fear, she tells me, if there was bad news you would certainly hear! So, in my head, I have 4 happy embies dividing and conquoring away in their petri dish! Fantastic!
We arrive at the clinic, FULL bladder and all, and they're running behind. I have to pee 2x...just a little I promised... and I managed to do just that, just a little. I am more concerned with losing control in the stirrups at this point than the actual transfer- I wonder fleetingly if this is why they make you have that full bladder- pure distraction!
We get settled in our room, and the ultrasound tech takes a quick look at my belly and sends me off to the loo with a plastic cup, telling me to fill it...twice! Turns out my bladder is SO full they can't see a thing! So, sweet relief, I return, no longer concerned that I'll pee on the doctor as I'm in my sensitive position in the stirrups! Phew! I tell her she is my new BFF.
The embryologist enters the room with our report. We have ONE blast for transfer. ONE! What? Turns out that one had not made it to blast, one other didn't have anything inside the outer ring, and the last had stopped dividing, so they were going to disgard it after the transition. ONE? And that 25% success rate didn't warrant a PHONE CALL? Then she passes us our report card, and heads back to her room beside the transfer room, where she prepares to pass the embryo through the window to the doctor. The doc comes in, introduces herself, and everyone is in a positive mood. We joke about the super bladder (the ultrasound tech says she's amazed I could even walk to the washroom with that thing so full), and she explains exactly what will happen in a matter of minutes.
First, she does a trial with cathedar but she can't really see where she is, though she compliments me on my fabulous lining... I felt so proud... she then trys another one, called a Sureview or something along that theme. It looked like it has tiny lights along the tube, but really they are tiny air bubbles in the plastic that the ultrasound machine picks up easily. That one lives up to its name and they know exactly where they'll place our wee embryo. Soon, the big monitor above the doc's head shows a big picture of our embryo with our name on the dish, then the embryologist sucks it up, passes it through the window, and we are off to the races. Really we can't see a whole lot. After about 1000 ultrasounds, I'm still a bit baffled how they see what they see!
We drive home from Seattle, kinda chuckle at the customs officer asking if we have anything to declare.. ummm, eggs? Blasts? We had actually got eggs at Trader Joe's on the way down so felt that was honest..enough.
So, that was the 26th. The following Monday, I POAS, though the test was not scheduled until Thursday. BFP! WHOOOOOO HOOO. So, I called our local clinic and they sent a requisition for a blood test for Tuesday. Results on Wednesday... 17. Having been through 2 prior chemical pregnancies we were a bit nervous. Ok, a LOT nervous. BUT, we're early, right? And according to Dr. Google, on the low range of normal. I'm cool with normal! So, our repeat beta is scheduled for Thursday. Friday I get the news. Beta is 7. I send a quick email to my boss telling him I"ve had some bad news and that if I have to talk about it I'll cry, and neither of us wants that, so I'm going home. And home, I lose it. Can't stop crying. WHY WHY WHY? I'm not a bad person. DH is not a bad person. And I KNOW bad things happen to good people. But that SUCKS.
Our donor-coordinator told us that rarely do they have successful outcomes after poor responses...and they typically only see a cycle this poor once or maybe twice a year. Hmmm, is the universe trying to tell us something?
What now?
Our donor did not respond particularly well. We ended up with 8 retrieved, but only 4 mature. However, all 4 matured so that was positive news.
We had a call from the nurse on Saturday, telling us that our transfer was scheduled for Monday July 26 at 2pm. I asked her how our embies were doing, and she told me that she had no idea, that "wasn't her job". What? Seriously? You can't tell me how my 4 embies are doing, in a lab down the hall from where you are? Nope, that is the embryologist's job, and turns out, they don't communicate. But, no fear, she tells me, if there was bad news you would certainly hear! So, in my head, I have 4 happy embies dividing and conquoring away in their petri dish! Fantastic!
We arrive at the clinic, FULL bladder and all, and they're running behind. I have to pee 2x...just a little I promised... and I managed to do just that, just a little. I am more concerned with losing control in the stirrups at this point than the actual transfer- I wonder fleetingly if this is why they make you have that full bladder- pure distraction!
We get settled in our room, and the ultrasound tech takes a quick look at my belly and sends me off to the loo with a plastic cup, telling me to fill it...twice! Turns out my bladder is SO full they can't see a thing! So, sweet relief, I return, no longer concerned that I'll pee on the doctor as I'm in my sensitive position in the stirrups! Phew! I tell her she is my new BFF.
The embryologist enters the room with our report. We have ONE blast for transfer. ONE! What? Turns out that one had not made it to blast, one other didn't have anything inside the outer ring, and the last had stopped dividing, so they were going to disgard it after the transition. ONE? And that 25% success rate didn't warrant a PHONE CALL? Then she passes us our report card, and heads back to her room beside the transfer room, where she prepares to pass the embryo through the window to the doctor. The doc comes in, introduces herself, and everyone is in a positive mood. We joke about the super bladder (the ultrasound tech says she's amazed I could even walk to the washroom with that thing so full), and she explains exactly what will happen in a matter of minutes.
First, she does a trial with cathedar but she can't really see where she is, though she compliments me on my fabulous lining... I felt so proud... she then trys another one, called a Sureview or something along that theme. It looked like it has tiny lights along the tube, but really they are tiny air bubbles in the plastic that the ultrasound machine picks up easily. That one lives up to its name and they know exactly where they'll place our wee embryo. Soon, the big monitor above the doc's head shows a big picture of our embryo with our name on the dish, then the embryologist sucks it up, passes it through the window, and we are off to the races. Really we can't see a whole lot. After about 1000 ultrasounds, I'm still a bit baffled how they see what they see!
We drive home from Seattle, kinda chuckle at the customs officer asking if we have anything to declare.. ummm, eggs? Blasts? We had actually got eggs at Trader Joe's on the way down so felt that was honest..enough.
So, that was the 26th. The following Monday, I POAS, though the test was not scheduled until Thursday. BFP! WHOOOOOO HOOO. So, I called our local clinic and they sent a requisition for a blood test for Tuesday. Results on Wednesday... 17. Having been through 2 prior chemical pregnancies we were a bit nervous. Ok, a LOT nervous. BUT, we're early, right? And according to Dr. Google, on the low range of normal. I'm cool with normal! So, our repeat beta is scheduled for Thursday. Friday I get the news. Beta is 7. I send a quick email to my boss telling him I"ve had some bad news and that if I have to talk about it I'll cry, and neither of us wants that, so I'm going home. And home, I lose it. Can't stop crying. WHY WHY WHY? I'm not a bad person. DH is not a bad person. And I KNOW bad things happen to good people. But that SUCKS.
Our donor-coordinator told us that rarely do they have successful outcomes after poor responses...and they typically only see a cycle this poor once or maybe twice a year. Hmmm, is the universe trying to tell us something?
What now?
Monday, June 21, 2010
You'd think they'd get it right!!!
Ok, so far I've liked our clinic. Being Canadian, we have to use UBC Reproductive Health as a liason - the RE there told us there would be a few hundred dollar fee to act as the liason, and then they would act on our behalf...
Right. Clearly she is not in the billing department.
We pay for every blood test ($75), ultrasound ($120), and evidently, $20 for every prescription they write. Not the end of the earth, but really, have your stories straight and set realistic expectations!
I am supposed to start Lupron tomorrow to start the supression. So, I think, before I go fill all these prescriptions that cost me $100 for the paper, I better review the protocol sent to me to understand what I need vs. what I can hold on to fill. Ha. So, there are 3 different dates for my husband to take his single dose of Zithromax. Hmmmm.
Then I notice that I'm to start Lupron on June 22nd...on one document... and on July 1st on another. Interesting. I sent off an email to clarify before my start date of tomorrow...(or July 1st?) but seriously - it does not offer a great deal of confidence on the part of the Seattle clinic. I also noticed that the prescription for progesterone is for capsules I have to insert vaginally. Fine except that the written email, and previous discussions with the clinic were all about how I had to have progesterone oil injections in my hind quarters, intrmuscular injections no less...
I guess I would just expect these to be things they catch and get right - this is their business, and while I do believe in being an advocate for your own health, it's disappointing all around. This isn't a carefree journey without anxiety and to have your trust tested isn't the optimal feeling...
Just saying.
Right. Clearly she is not in the billing department.
We pay for every blood test ($75), ultrasound ($120), and evidently, $20 for every prescription they write. Not the end of the earth, but really, have your stories straight and set realistic expectations!
I am supposed to start Lupron tomorrow to start the supression. So, I think, before I go fill all these prescriptions that cost me $100 for the paper, I better review the protocol sent to me to understand what I need vs. what I can hold on to fill. Ha. So, there are 3 different dates for my husband to take his single dose of Zithromax. Hmmmm.
Then I notice that I'm to start Lupron on June 22nd...on one document... and on July 1st on another. Interesting. I sent off an email to clarify before my start date of tomorrow...(or July 1st?) but seriously - it does not offer a great deal of confidence on the part of the Seattle clinic. I also noticed that the prescription for progesterone is for capsules I have to insert vaginally. Fine except that the written email, and previous discussions with the clinic were all about how I had to have progesterone oil injections in my hind quarters, intrmuscular injections no less...
I guess I would just expect these to be things they catch and get right - this is their business, and while I do believe in being an advocate for your own health, it's disappointing all around. This isn't a carefree journey without anxiety and to have your trust tested isn't the optimal feeling...
Just saying.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Picking Ms. Right!
Wow. It's kinda like internet dating. The funny thing is that we always picture having a baby girl, because we're spending so much time looking at these potentail donors as baby girls!
Do you pick smart? Ambition? Caring? Kind? What results from nature and what does nurture develop? If they're beautiful children, will they be beautiful adults? What if they can't string a sentence together in their profile?
Mock Cycle
Before we could be matched with a donor, I had to go through a "mock cycle". I called on day 1 of my cycle, then started with estradot patches on my lower abdomen every 2nd day, upping the number each time until I hit 4 patches. On May 3 I had a blood test to check my hormone levels, and then on May 10th another blood test with an internal ultrasound to make sure my lining was thick enough to support a pregnancy. I had a small cyst on my ovary, which the doc said to get checked in a month or two, but she said the lining was great. Good news, though I've always had good linings in all my previous cycles, whether it be drug-induced or plain ol' cycle monitorings.
As I tapered my patches, I started taking 7 days of progestin, and a few days after that was over, I called in with my day 1. Our Donor Coordinator told me I'd likely have a heavier period than normal, but it was actually shorter and lighter than normal. At this point, all the test results are in, and we were able to put our money down to hold a donor.
HOW DO YOU PICK THE GENETIC MATERIAL OF YOUR FUTURE CHILD????????????
As I tapered my patches, I started taking 7 days of progestin, and a few days after that was over, I called in with my day 1. Our Donor Coordinator told me I'd likely have a heavier period than normal, but it was actually shorter and lighter than normal. At this point, all the test results are in, and we were able to put our money down to hold a donor.
HOW DO YOU PICK THE GENETIC MATERIAL OF YOUR FUTURE CHILD????????????
Saturday, May 22, 2010
FSH? Huh?
So, I took biology in high school, and had a vauge recollection of LH and FSH and the graphs we saw showing a surge and then how little egg travels out of the ovary and down the little tube and into the uterus...
What I didn't know, perhaps beyond the scope of Biology 11, is that as you (gasp!) age, your FSH levels increase, trying to give your ovaries some extra gas to mature and push those eggs out - or something like that! One doctor likened it to a car, you push the gas pedal down to give the car more gas, and it speeds up the car... but, as you get older, your FSH tries really hard to get the ovulation going, the pedal keeps going down, to the metal even, but due to diminished quantity, or quality, or both, not much happens... the car keeps trying to go though, which is why the FSH on day 3 is so elevated - it's TRYING SO HARD... alas, to no avail.
After the wedding, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to talk about the miscarriage, etc. She had very sad eyes when she told me my number.
21.
That is a REALLY BAD NUMBER!
Normal is less than 10. Borderline where many clinics will try: 15. Me: 21.
She told me my chances with that number of a successful pregnancy was 1-2% but that if I wanted, she would refer me to an RE to discuss it from that perspective. So, we discussed it, and decided that it couldn't hurt to know our options, and booked the appointment for September. In the meantime, she suggested an Acupuncture clinic that specialises in fertility, so I booked an appointment there as well.
What I didn't know, perhaps beyond the scope of Biology 11, is that as you (gasp!) age, your FSH levels increase, trying to give your ovaries some extra gas to mature and push those eggs out - or something like that! One doctor likened it to a car, you push the gas pedal down to give the car more gas, and it speeds up the car... but, as you get older, your FSH tries really hard to get the ovulation going, the pedal keeps going down, to the metal even, but due to diminished quantity, or quality, or both, not much happens... the car keeps trying to go though, which is why the FSH on day 3 is so elevated - it's TRYING SO HARD... alas, to no avail.
After the wedding, I had an appointment with my OB/GYN to talk about the miscarriage, etc. She had very sad eyes when she told me my number.
21.
That is a REALLY BAD NUMBER!
Normal is less than 10. Borderline where many clinics will try: 15. Me: 21.
She told me my chances with that number of a successful pregnancy was 1-2% but that if I wanted, she would refer me to an RE to discuss it from that perspective. So, we discussed it, and decided that it couldn't hurt to know our options, and booked the appointment for September. In the meantime, she suggested an Acupuncture clinic that specialises in fertility, so I booked an appointment there as well.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Here we go...a little background
So, as we get going, I'll give a little context or history to set the stage...
My husband and I want a baby. Simple desire really, one would think. We did what seems to be somewhat common in our generation. We went to school... then we went back for more... graduated with masters degrees in our areas of interest. We started our careers, met one fateful day in our 30s, and married 3 years ago. So started the baby journey...
About 3 weeks before our wedding we discovered I was pregnant! HOLY S^&&%T! Exiciting and scary and all of the emotions I'm sure everyone feels when they discover that what they thought would take a year or so actually happened a whole lot faster! Plans for fake champagne at the wedding started (not for the guests, that would have just been mean!)
A week before the big event, looking for gifts for the women who were standing for me, I felt a big rush, and knew that was not a good sign. I left the store, picked up my fiance, and off to the hospital we went. After 8 hours in the waiting room, they confirmed what we knew; I had lost the baby at 7 weeks. Devestating, yes. Emotionally bruised we picked ourselves up off the floor and forged ahead to our wedding the next week.
The journey continues...
My husband and I want a baby. Simple desire really, one would think. We did what seems to be somewhat common in our generation. We went to school... then we went back for more... graduated with masters degrees in our areas of interest. We started our careers, met one fateful day in our 30s, and married 3 years ago. So started the baby journey...
About 3 weeks before our wedding we discovered I was pregnant! HOLY S^&&%T! Exiciting and scary and all of the emotions I'm sure everyone feels when they discover that what they thought would take a year or so actually happened a whole lot faster! Plans for fake champagne at the wedding started (not for the guests, that would have just been mean!)
A week before the big event, looking for gifts for the women who were standing for me, I felt a big rush, and knew that was not a good sign. I left the store, picked up my fiance, and off to the hospital we went. After 8 hours in the waiting room, they confirmed what we knew; I had lost the baby at 7 weeks. Devestating, yes. Emotionally bruised we picked ourselves up off the floor and forged ahead to our wedding the next week.
The journey continues...
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